Mothers & Teen Sons It’s Complicated – Avoiding Unintended Enmeshment
- Posted by Editor JPR
- Posted in Editorials & Commentary, Lived Experience, Psychotherapy
Journal of Psychiatry Reform vol. 12, #1, January 4, 2025
Author
Katrina Wood PhD
Wilshire Valley and Pacific West Counseling Services Los Angeles
One of the toughest aspects of motherhood is dealing with the anger, rage, or withdrawal that teenage boys often direct toward their mothers. These turbulent emotions can be unsettling and may leave mothers feeling confused or helpless. Realizing the challenges that boys face during these years can help mothers maintain their own stability while supporting their sons’ development. Understanding the high seas that boys are tossed upon during teen years can be helpful in shaping how to relate during tough times without falling apart in confusion or helplessness.
When divorce or trauma derails an already complex relationship, developmental milestones become fraught with instability. Proceeding with caution at this stage is critical.
Mothers in general require help.
Part of this help includes a broader depth of inquiry into understanding the path of the mother’s life. Unresolved personal trauma and childhood wounding can trigger defensive reactivity and painful emotions. Mothers may become intertwined with their sons’ development and over-identify with their pain. This can unintentionally derail their path towards individuation. Gripped by memories of a distant, cold, or distracted parent, a child behaving in similar ways can be reminiscent of such past parental dynamics and elicit strong historical pain in the mother. When this kind of reactivity is imposed upon a teen, traumas take grip, and distinguishing the past from the here and now can bring heightened reactivity and defensive disconnections. A sad lonely place for both.
Boys need periods of away-time to allow the flow of disconnect, then reconnect. Their room cave is their space. Allowing such space fosters growth and necessary separation. Reconnection is something to be negotiated and necessary but time to disconnect at times is as important.
Mothers need space and time away too, and while guilt for not being attentive enough may linger, boys and mothers both need separation in healthy ways. Mothers have lives to live. Both need connection, disconnection, and reconnection. What matters within this balance is how they connect.
Anger- Rage and vulnerability.
For teen boys, anger often belies hidden unrecognized suffering in the form of pain in isolation, often creating an inability to express unmet needs which may not even be initially acknowledged. Fears masked by anger that need to be expressed will go unheard, minimized, ignored, or even trumped by the parents’ own dominant unmet needs. These are just a few anticipatory reactions preventing boys from speaking out. Fears may also include unformed thoughts that something is defective about asking to be seen and understood. Boys are not encouraged to be vulnerable. The messaging is quite clear on this, vulnerability equals weakness.
It is when a family member often a child, in developing adolescence in pursuit of individuation strikes out requiring to be ‘seen’ and related with differently on their terms that a chance to be released from an existence of painful isolation. A powerful developmental moment. ‘When met with requirements to accommodate or confirm familiar intergenerational norms inevitably a powder keg will form and ignite. It is here where families are faced with moments to either grow apart from those, they love due to intractability of such intergenerational requirements, or opportunities hopefully to grow towards those they love, facing fears of necessary change bringing a flexibility and courage to expand how they were related with and how they relate with their children.
A chance for all members to exist, to be seen, heard and trust that new different conversations may be tolerated and inquired of with suspension of judgement or aggressive threatening requirements to conform.
Such courage can provide greater connections between families, stronger bonds and a hope for an enduring future with relational connections.
By introducing alternative relational skills including healthy confrontation, affect tolerance, boundary setting, inclusive curious communication, taking pauses, and reflective self-awareness much can be accomplished. Together sharing explorations of unhealthy intergenerational patterns of communication and perhaps mourning the loss of the emerging curious child suppressed for being curious, a new protecting shield for both for self and children may emerge. One which offers hope and a future where families can learn to facilitate warmer, healthier attachment styles and communicative inclusive relatedness.
Vignette
A conversation at dinner ensues about a tragic world situation. Joe a 16-year-old full of curiosity burning questions and evolving opinions, begins to challenge his father Bill, as a tense exchange ensues.
Sarah, Joes mother, Bills wife, is feeling increasingly uncomfortable as the heated exchange begins to escalate. Sarah notices she is flushing with fear and in a familiar move anticipating danger, she places her hand on her son Joe advising him to ‘calm down’. She glances obediently at her husband who approves her action. Joe in a heat of shame and rage steps up from the table shouting, ‘you always shut me down!’ He exits the dining room in an agitated state. Sarah experiences guilt yet relief that the situation did not erupt into something ‘more’.
Sarah’s early experiences became an instant reality in a flash. Her childhood trauma re-enacted in the present, with intense memories of her own father, a former Veteran explosive unbridled temper frequently dominating the dinner table. His aspects of PTSD within her family system often developed into violence leading to destruction of property. Sarah’s mother did all she could to raise children who were’ seen ‘and not heard to avert such episodes to no avail. Sarah, by keeping ‘small’ would avoid being a target of her father’s wrath. However, rage outbursts were a regular part of her childhood no matter how obedient or accommodating she was. Now in her own marriage to a man whose temper and anger outbursts mirrors her childhood, she continues to find herself suppressing her sons natural wonder and curiosity just as her mother did to her as a child, helpless in such trauma states to choose something more relational and less accommodating.
Filled with guilt and helplessness, her sons developing explosive rage, is at risk for following an intergeneration pattern of shame and rage at the expense of is evolving ‘self’ sacrificed at the altar of unconscious patterns of perceived anticipated annihilation.
Patterns of Intergenerational Trauma states.
Change and growth
The greatest challenge when encountering such trauma patterns, often repeated unconsciously within family systems, is to notice intergenerational language often highlighting ‘absolutisms’, pre- reflectively or unexamined statements failing to notice the unique qualities a child displays during developmental years. For example, a sensitive child who is artistic may be told ‘boys who cry are weak’, or a child who is curious about various aspects of life is reminded ‘what do you know about ‘life you’re a child’. Often a sentiment surrounding children’s opinions should not be taken seriously. The notion that a man’s worth is defined by their profession and income is often-common constrictive potentially shaming messaging, or women who do not have children are not capable of nurturing and so on.
When attunement is lacking due to intergenerational impositions of what it means to be a successful and therefore valuable, such constrictive statements painfully lack insight. Sadly, these commentaries fail to capture the uniqueness of each child’s capacities, becoming negatively impactful during early developmental years which sometime last years or decades.
By providing education and insight into how and why such themes frequently appear is an important first step in raising awareness not only of patterns of pre-reflective intergenerational conditioning behaviors and their negative impact, often inducing painful isolating trauma states in childhood.
Mothers Intergenerational Patterns Illuminated.
Conversations surrounding adaptation or accommodation of maladaptive or abusive behaviors during early childhood occurred can be helpful. Assisting mothers with understanding that such behaviors often resulted from their own anticipatory fears of abandonment, may become a ‘light bulb ‘moment for their own growth. By recognizing adaptive behaviors in their own history, may be a clue to understanding how their own developmental needs to be ‘seen and valued in an authentic way were also suppressed. Such ah ‘ah ha ‘moments may be useful in creating more flexibility for both mother and son to exist with less strain when reflections are shared with education, compassion and relational insight. Bonding moments perhaps.
By normalizing, which differs from condoning, how and why such painful patterns occur, is a key step towards in reducing confusion or helpless shame and or guilt. With collaborative insight and understanding brings illumination and potential mobilization for change and potential for relating in new and transformative relational ways.
Absence of this awareness however may become a breeding ground for mal- adaptative behaviors requiring a child to maintain the need for an ‘indispensable tie to ward off terror of abandonment or painful rejection.
Such ties often persist throughout adulthood in shadows in the form of maladaptive trauma repetitive patterns, until something more significant forces the winds of change.
Mothers expansive “relational home”.
Guidance is required to provide insight and assistance for mothers to validate and redirect their sons rage by providing an expanded “relational home”. A place where vulnerable needs and language is normalized and encouraged, without responses that include a mother’s identification with their son, i.e., I know just how you feel. This will potentially eliminate a boy’s experience. In other words, if a teen finds a space to offer his fear or overwhelm in a situation, a mother’s best way forward is to listen. To hold the space and validate with empathy their child’s concerns without infusing personal experience or over-sharing. Allowing the teen boy to exist through reflection and understanding, without too many questions, can create a positive foundation for her sons emerging self to develop values of existing and mattering.
Guideposts for a different kind of language.
As boys are generally conditioned to be invulnerable and have fathers who have similar imposed limited ranges of emotions from their own childhoods, it becomes a hard isolating journey for mothers to bring normal emotions to their sons and family system. It is often a solo journey where guideposts are needed. While it is important for boys to develop vulnerable language, they cannot be expected to be too emotional or vulnerable. Opening this pathway takes time. Society has not conditioned boys to express emotions liberally. They are in general trained to be practical, cognitive, critical thinkers. Emotions are often both considered foreign, even shaming terrain to navigate.
Expressions of feelings for a teen boy are complicated, often threatening. When emotions are overly emphasized and required by their mothers who fail to understand what the reticence may be related to, a boy will shut down and withdraw, stating “you don’t get it”. What mothers need to “get” is that for him, a small expression of an emotion or a need is a big stride,
When a son starts to differentiate and break free from his mother in a normal developmental progression, necessary disconnection is required at times. Mothers are advised to understand the flow of connection, disconnection, and reconnection as a necessary advancement of growth. Mothers can help by creating a “relational home” where vulnerability is accepted and validated. This space allows boys to express their emotions without being overshadowed by their mother’s experiences. Listening with empathy, without imposing personal stories or asking too many questions, can help a boy feel seen and understood. Practical emotive language while offering empathy is easier to manage. Simple acknowledgments like “that must be tough” or “that sounds hard” are often more effective than emotionally charged responses or “fix-it” suggestions.
Creating balance
Teen boys need to feel effective and capable, yet their vulnerable selves cannot be ignored either. A slightly different language which addresses emotions is recommended, but in a bearable way for a teen. They require space to come forward, to offer gestures of love as and when they want.
Mothers have a great challenge in finding necessary space and balance for their boys to feel seen, held and understood. Remember; connecting, disconnect, reconnect. If it has been too long since your son had a conversation with you then offer up a time to sit and chat. Not too soon and not too long a time to pass, it can be a fine balance. Your son may show you what has not been enough time between chats, and if you are not sure ask him. Try and negotiate what is a comfortable time frame. Your son may be more amenable to this if he sees you understand the importance of “disconnection”.
When to reconnect
While supporting your teens independence and courage in the world, some insight into the impact of emotional blows and painful experiences endured by them do not necessarily need to go overlooked by a mother. Using succinct but not overly emotional language can help. Supportive comments do not always need acknowledgement from their son. Be reminded of their underlying conditioning which requires “invincibility”. Too much language can feel overwhelming, too little and a son may fear that mothers do not care. Allow time to respond but inquire nonetheless if you perceive they are isolating or appear distressed. This can be a cautious journey fraught with ruptures, which are worthy of repair.
Making room for their language.
No relationships worth their salt were built in a day, and ruptures require conversations. Regularly offered empathic inquiries and validations may prove fruitful sometimes and be flat out rejected at other times. Language such as “I know you felt this way” is not recommended as it misappropriates a son’s unique experience.
Consider perhaps that you may not know how your son is or feels, and instead open a line of inquiry that can open a door for conversation. “How was this for you?”, “What do you make of this?” can offer an exchange for different points of view. Prioritizing the teen particularly is key.
Reducing reactivity positive results.
Only adults can help restore painful wounds with the support of another adult. When a mother can reduce her emotionality and reactivity to the pain/shame of having been unseen in her own childhood, withdrawal or rage can be reduced. Making room for a son to bring forth a wider range of his own thoughts and feelings through encouragement and understanding is a big win.
Overpowering their teen with too much emotion causes a shutdown. This often fosters an unintended dependency which can result in buried resentment. A teen seeking a path of individuation requires emotional independence from mother’s painful past. A withdrawal response is essential for maintaining connection. When emotions are regulated, boys may bring themselves organically into a relationship with their mothers because boys want and need their mothers. Take time. Steps must go slowly. Allow small glimmers of change. When a rupture is experienced, take a step back, breathe, remember this is not terminal. Regulated empathic communication can resume later to restore these fractures.
All families have experienced trauma one way or another, as expressed by Dr. Robert D. Stolorow in his book Trauma and Human Existence. In Pia Melody’s book Breaking Free, she notes the world of the traumatized child lives in a world of big emotions and perpetual fear of abandonment. This is because when emotions are not permitted, children often get loud and big. Ironically, when other vulnerable emotions are suppressed or dominated by one family member exclusively, anger becomes the only “safe” emotion for a teen boy. Such limits become a powder keg for potential danger, including depressive states or forms of self (or other) harm and pain in isolation.
Healing mother’s wounded history.
Many women have been brought up in environments of abuse or neglect as a child. Abandonment does not discriminate. The unresolved pain of such loss often manifests unintentionally. When an over identification with their child’s developing emotions and vulnerable mental states results in sharing too much or disclosing details of their own past abuses occurs, this can derail a child’s path of growth. Such unintentional over-identification with their teen child can confuse their attempts to bond with their mother. Reliving the wounded vulnerable part of themselves that was lost becomes a burden for a child. Teen boys are not equipped or required to handle their parents’ trauma states or unmet emotional needs.
Bonding is essential with a child’s sense of security and safety in the world. However, it is important to distinguish between overwhelming a boy and providing a child with normal empathic attunement and be a protective shield for their young. The wounded child part of the mother whose abandonment issues becomes infused with their child, now entwines a boy with his mother’s unmet needs. Understandably a boy will become enraged as his own defenses are limited to either attempting to overwhelm or emotionally withdraw. Both are devastating for a child who becomes derailed by such unsafe emotional responses.
A mother’s wounding.
As a mother’s unexplored traumas may overwhelm a child seeking to individuate and differentiate, she also needs help to find a safe harbor for her unresolved pain. Historical losses and pain need to be shared with other adults. Personal grief and losses are restored through trauma focused supportive work. Sharing with mature friends and family members who are not in denial over the impact of some of the negative effects of their childhood experiences will be helpful. A child will be able to feel a closer healthy bond when appropriate sharing is balanced, not fearing enmeshment or engulfment by having to bear their mothers painful losses. A child cannot and should not be expected to fulfil a mother’s unmet emotional needs
Seeking help and mourning the loss of these unmet needs within supportive social settings and trusting relationships where kindred souls commune and share is important for adults to cultivate. When painful losses are held with understanding with other like-minded adults, healing can begin. By healing these wounds, a mother is better equipped to understand what is happening to their own child, now a teen.
Solutions and accountability.
Seeing that her child’s normal developmental needs are still unformed, a mother would be well advised to step back from their personal reactivity and focus on helping their child. By empathetically inquiring and validating that which is overwhelming for them. When necessary, if they feel unregulated, stepping back and taking a self-nurturing time out is well advised in such moments.
If a teens rage persists, a mother would be well served to acknowledge her child’s anger. She might then suggest taking time away for a short while and attempt to communicate needs and wants unmet on their return. If a teen rages “you are too emotional” or “too much”, allow time to consider such a retort. When mothers can reflect on what has been shared with accountability, sons feel seen.
Self-nurturance & proper mothering.
When perhaps an historical trauma memory has triggered causing an overreaction, rather than collapse into shame a mother might be nurturing of their own inner child self. Reducing shame requires compassion. Rather than being defensive, a mother’s understanding nurturance of her own inner child with may be more equipped to understand their child’s reactivity to feeling emotionally flooded.
Divorce rage clouds gather.
When a mother goes through a divorce, a younger child may often accommodate the parent’s pain and emotions for fear of survival need and suppress their own. Trauma states and rage often begin to set in during teen years when the pain of a shattered life begins to set in. As a teen feels the pain of being unseen and unrecognized, the feelings of not mattering are forged in hiding as rage gathers momentum. It is important not to bad mouth one parent to their teen boy. It creates confusion, splitting, deep pain and helplessness. Saving criticism of the “ex” for adult friends and trusted others is necessary.
Backlash.
Backlash of rage often arrives in the teen years as a child pushes to individuate with force and powerful disconnection, insisting in various ways to “matter”. A mother being aware of her own past and what is going on in the emotional life of the parent has the potential to achieve a successful outcome during these difficult developmental years.
A mother’s/parent’s job is to guide their teen into a wider net of affect and cognitive expression without shame, without reactivity but by way of inquiry. Getting to ‘know’ (not presume to know) what is going on. Children are neither surrogate spouses nor friends. They are reliant on their mother’s maturity to inquire who their unique child is, without presumption.
Developmental maturation of a teen requires education on the part of the therapist and the community to help mothers provide insight into a teen’s restricted, emotional world, and to recognize that change requires a shift in relational dialogue. Brief examples below offer some ideas when communication hits a wall:
Vignette 1 – Divorce.
Mom: can you tell me what I am doing or saying that is frustrating you or making you angry?
Son: Stop talking about dad you’re always bad mouthing him!
Mom: I can do that I can see how painful that is for you. This has nothing to do you with you. I am sorry it was not thoughtful.
Son: Whatever.
Mom: (no response, pause) I understand (walks away).
Son: (curious that mom might get it).
Vignette 2 – Relational home.
Son: “Stop coming into my room!”
Mom: “But I just wanted to see if you wanted a snack.”
Son: “If I want a snack, I’ll get one—get out!”
Mom: (Feeling hurt but composed) “I care about you, that’s all.”
Son: “I don’t need you to care about me—get out!”
Mom: (Pauses, then in the new way responds calmly) “You know what? I get it. You know where the food is if you want it.”
Son: “Yes, I do.”
Mom: “How irritating that must have been for you. I love you.” (Walks away)
Son: (Surprised, looks up but says nothing)
The next day:
Son: “Mom, can you make me a sandwich? I have homework and don’t have time.”
Mom: “Sure. Just let me know what you want on it.”
This exchange highlights the importance of a mother providing space, validating her son’s feelings without overwhelming him, and remaining present without reacting defensively. The son’s eventual request for help shows the effectiveness of a calm, understanding approach that respects his need for autonomy while still offering support.
Experiencing rejecting language from a teen saying “I don’t want anything” is painful, however it is often due to lack of language, or fear that their vulnerability will be met with minimization, or even worse with emotional annihilation.
Reactions from a mother, such as “that hurts me” confirms a teen worst fear; how they themselves feel matters less.
Mothers are advised to accept their biting words with regulated responsiveness. With warmth and compassion, and by holding safe their own inner child in these moments, mothers can be present for their sons with a wiser relational offer such as:
Mom: “I am sorry you are so angry” (validation).
Mom: “That must have been difficult for you. When you can tell me what you want to let me know I am here” (walk away).
If attacking anger persists without focus or form simply state “I love you, I will leave for now I will see you later.” Always mention the return.
Time outs gives both time to breath and regulate.
Sons are desperate to be seen.
Mothers, gently remind yourselves that your son is not attacking the abandoned little girl within you from childhood. Your son is crying out in pain and needs help by way of focusing on him and what he is unable to articulate.
A mother will take leaps and bounds in maintaining a healthy connection with her son when she can see and understand her son’s struggle with his limitations of vulnerable emotions. Emotions that are deemed unacceptable by society or paternal intergenerational conditioning
When a mother focuses on her own embedded reactivity from the past, she misses what is in front of her, in plain sight. A mother’s painful unmet needs from childhood is a scary prospect for a boy in pain. Boys need wise adult mothers. Mothers need to cradle their own wounded child, offer her compassion, love and understanding. From these insights flow compassionate wisdom to her child. A new place where the ebb and flow of connect, disconnect, and reconnect thrives as the journey of healing continues.